What an awesome dream it was....

Obviously I had a pleasant dream that I wished that it was real.

The dream was simple, but purely satisfying. It was me riding on a Harley in the highway..to a grocery store...lol ok, the grocery store was a bit out of the ordinary (it was a dream anyways).

I wished that I could ride on wheels as awesome as that. c:

Walking in this road independently.

Someone asked "Aren't you afraid of walking alone in KL?"

My spoken answer was "Good question, but I'm used to it." Tried hard not to sound negative or 'mencari simpati seposen' but my unspoken answer was this,

I am afraid. I have always been afraid of doing things alone. But I have no one I can depend on but myself. If I stick on this very spot merely because of my fear, then I will stay there forever, never to discover anything.

Dear you,

I want to be your one and only,

I don't want to be your one of four.

With love,
Me.

My Love Letter To You.

Dear you,
I've been longing to say that I like you for a long time. At first, I'm scared that you won't be interested in an ugly, quiet and shy girl like me. I have to say, I'm a social retard who never knows how to be myself when I'm around men. The fear of rejection was probably too overwhelming for me. So I kept quiet and like you from afar.

Still, I can't help myself from wanting to know you more. Nothing more I can do but only to observe you from afar or knowing you secretly from your friends. Your friends probably have figured out my intentions -which was kind of embarrassing to me, but to my surprise and relieve; we have many things in common. I was really happy to learn that. But then, I feared you may think of me as a psycho stalker. So all I could ever do was to admire you from afar.

Did I mentioned that I was embarrassed with your friends figuring out my intentions? Well, I was embarrassed. And have you heard of those types of people who would cover up their tracks from being detectable of liking another? Yes, I'm that person. So I focus myself on befriending with another man. In the hopes that it would cover my tracks. However, I was beginning to like that man as well. Hence I'm torn between you and him. At the same time, I thought it was stupid to think like this because you don't even know of my existence.

Like an answered prayer, you're someone's other half. Yeah, you have a girlfriend. It shattered my world a bit, but serve myself right for liking you from afar. The girl was an absolute beauty and bubbly, I would look like an invisible girl if I were ever standing next to her. I took it as a sign and made my decision.

But me and him was never meant to be. It cut me deep, but I hold no grudges against him. He had taught me a valuable lesson. And I go through this phase painfully alone.

Months after, you started to be active on my profile. With full of curiosity, I checked over your profile. She was no longer your other half. To be honest, I was glad. But, my heart was still aching from my past experience. I decided that I wanted to be friends with you. I wrote you a message. And you replied. I could safely say, that was the starting point of our friendship. I was happy.

As our friendship developed, you told me what happened, between you and her. I was shocked, thinking that she had made a terrible mistake of letting you go. Reason? Simply because it was a misunderstanding, a problem that could be solved if you both had discussed it over together. What a pity. I couldn't tell you my part of the story because I didn't want to open my wound. I'm sorry.

However, what you said afterward stabbed this heart somehow. You told me that you loved her. There comes another reason of my fear, you're still hurt, I do not want to incur more headaches to you. So I did what I do best, liking you from a distance.

Dear you,
Knowing that I will never have the guts to express my feelings to you, I can only say that I like you. Very much. I wanted to be more than what we have now, but I'm scared to let you know how I feel.

Love,
Fiza.

Like...Duh!

Today I was reading on this Yahoo Article about the single myths. It seemed appealing at that moment. As I read on, one heading caught my eyes and it stated, "Singles are not needy and dependent" and I went...Duh! Why the heck would they think that?

I will tell you why singles are more independent than those in relationships...Cuz we're SINGLES! That's why! We're not attached to anyone. We do what we want to do and we don't need a second opinion for us to tolerate with. We do everything ourselves because we don't have anyone to come and drove us around the city for food and running errands. The only people who rang our doorbells with food are the Pizza guy (or McDonald Delivery dude). We, by no choice have to be emotionally independent, because there's no one for us to share our intimate thoughts with. Those in relationships pout to get what they want, we--well we had to say "It's Fine, I'll manage." because we're not attached to that particular person--How can we pout?! That's so against the nature of coolness of our friendship.

Maybe some people think singles are needy cuz they're alone I guess. Well, as independent as you are, nobody wants to be alone in this world forever. And then it comes to this mind that maybe, in life, we do want to be needed and needy. I'm guessing that's what makes us feel that we mattered. Lol God knows.

Bridal Makeup & Hair Course for 5 months.

I have a certificate of Bridal Makeup & Hair Course that is worth RM4500.

This course will be conducted for 5 months by Gold Goh Perfect Point Make up (001908549-K) which is located in Taman Melaka Raya, Melaka. They are excellent in delivering the look that you wanted to achieve, hence, taking this 5 months course will definitely be beneficial to you. This course will start on the 1st March 2011.

I am selling this certificate for RM2500. Drop me a comment if you're interested. =)

Rant! Rant! Rant!

The next time you say please, I'm going to say "No". Snobbish mother fuckers.

Pout-Pout Session.

Fine, this topic is contradicting with my earlier post. To point, I do want to marry someday, but not now. Not even in 5 years time--Heck, I don't even know when I'll be ready but marriage is definitely something I plan on having in the far future.

Anyhow....

Earlier, my father had declared that I shall finance my own wedding if I were to elope one day. Usually, in the Malay community--at least, parents would contribute some--if not all, on their child's wedding reception. Some couples managed to finance their wedding reception on their own so hence--it seems, I'll be joining that group as well. Insyaallah.

I am proud to be independent but somehow I am starting to worry. Will I ever be able to raise money for that when I already have many financial responsibilities?

After finishing my studies, I shall be doing my **prays hard that my batch shall be exempted** Chambering, and if all goes well, I will further my career as a practicing lawyer. Insyaallah.

Lawyers are famous for their deep pockets but I do not count high hopes on that. Whatever it is, I'll be realist throughout this matter. After receiving my first pay check I'm sure I'll be left with hardly nothing to live throughout the month. Why?

1. PTPTN is definitely going to start sucking up their rights. It's fine, but RM400 a month will definitely kill me. Bare in mind, I'm no student from local university, so my debt is waaaaaaay bigger than local uni students (so, hint2. shame on you for not paying.)
   
2. Car - when I got back home, my parents told me that my car will be delayed to God-Knows-When. It was expected and I'm kinda angry with myself for being hopeful. I have troubled my family enough, it's time to stand up on my own. So, I have decided to just buy my own transportation myself. Maybe this shall be my good reason to buy a motorcycle. Weehoo!
3. Housing Loan - Yep, I have a housing debt to pay but I have no home. It's my parents' and the torch must be passed down to their children. Another RM300-400 gone...
4. Parents' Allowance - Obviously I have to give them some pocket money once I have started working. They have given me enough and it's time to give back--for life!
5. Bills, etc - Well, I don't plan on renting a place of my own just yet...Unless I plan on working on some other states that is. (Too many lawyers in KL and Selangor)
   
6. KWSP - Savings for my Golden year. That's a must, and no way- no how I'll give this to my children --unless I'm dead.
   
7. Other Savings - Savings for rainy days. For emergencies such as medical expenses, or sacked from me job *gulp*
8. Another Saving - For my own home, children etc.
9. Skin Specialist - Yeah...it's a must!! Knowing men, I'm not marrying till my matters are solved.
   
10. Misc - Food, gas, shopping expenses.
    

I think that almost covers everything. So, how the heck can I find some loopholes and save money for my wedding? Personal loan is a definite NO-NO for me. I will definitely be having loans for my car, and house. I don't think it's wise to apply for personal loan just cause I wanted to have a Grand Wedding. And My God! Did you see how many Adats for a Malay Wedding Reception?? Merisik (Pre-Engagement), Bertunang(Engagement), Nikah, Malam Berinai, Sanding (The Reception itself) and etc.

I decided to have my engagement (I am not going to say No to another ring) and nikah in one whole blow. If possible, even my wedding reception too. The reason? Well, my food cost can be cut down by half compared to those who have it separately. Genius? I think so too..Har-har. They say the essence of that special moments will be waste, but that's not really my concern as I'm the one who bears the financial cost. The moments on the bed are probably more special--I can soo imagine the awkwardness.

If I were to marry a rich man, I wouldn't have to worry about money that much, but let's be realistic. The possibility of me hitching with a loaded man is like the cloudy haze of KL.

So, it's decided, goodbye Bali trip with friends. I'm afraid that you're just my 'Want' and not my 'Need' ='(

I'm not Marriage Material, I'm sorry.

Marriage, can I say that I wanted to get married just so that I could get laid? If only things were that simple, but unfortunately, marriage is more than just sex and looking fabulous on the wedding aisle.

We all know that.

One of my biggest fear would be none other than getting married. A lifetime of responsibility and commitment. The biggest challenge of all mother load of life. I don't think I can cope up with that. I am hardly able to take care of myself, how am I to take care of my husband like what normal wife would?

I'm useless in the kitchen, and lazy too. Cleaning mode only comes when I feel like cleaning--that only comes once in a blue moon...Hates folding clothes...In short--I should have been born as a man as I'm just as nasty as they are...How am I to be a perfect wife for him?

To teach my children with religious teachings---Oh My God, Fail! Why must I rely on others to teach my children the things that is from the first part IS my responsibility...

I conclude...I'm not ready for marriage.

Jewels in The Dustbin

A good friend of mine once said, "Fiza, what do you expect? Friends do get treated like dustbins. Friends are their dustbins" I somewhat shocked to hear that--and completely against it.

She raised a good reason, but nonetheless, I can't fathom the idea of friends as dustbins. This is why I never believe in Best Friends. I know, friends should always be there for each other, but it takes two to tango, honey. No relationship can last that long when one is selfish and not trustworthy--plus, I don't easily categorized friends up to my good list that easily...Cuz from my experience--Whenever I get too comfortable with people, something bad will happen and the friendship ends.

My friends may be good forsaken angels, probably that's why they can handle being treated that way...but I know I'm no angel. If you're selfish then I add you in my friends-i-can't-count-on list. And if you push my button way too far, obviously you're going to get it from me. That's how my system functions.

My point is, don't treat your friend as your dustbin, as for they are your jewels. Don't under-valued your jewels till its too late. Human have feelings, they care, they love, they get hurt and can turn over you if you don't nourish them. Like any relationships, it takes two to tango.

The Classmates

I'm lifted to Cloud 9

I'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world. I should be pissed on certain things but I don't care anymore, as for that news have lifted me up to the highest peek of Cloud 9. Somebody loved my video and wants me to help him with his v.clip. OMG!!! Thank you for that somebody, I hope I'll do a good job in making the v.clip for you.

Something from the Social Retard

Listening is the most difficult part in socializing, many know how to talk, but little know when to listen - or even give people the chance to talk. Even I am facing the same difficulty--listening.

But admitting that you are wrong, it seems far more harder that listening. When it doesn't concern you, of course we can give our opinion rationally, but when we're in that phase, we're wiping our own rationales to our own butts.

I conclude that there are more social retards apart from me. I am not alone.

Innocent or Wise? The Answer is none.

It's not that I'm nice or innocent. I can be a total hardcore bitch if I wanted to---just like old times, just look at my everyday cussing, can you imagine how bad it would be if I exploded?

Just like every angry person, It'll be BAD! However, I don't have the energy anymore and I don't intend to show it to anyone (the real explosive one that is). First, I may be at fault too. Secondly, I'm usually the elder one, I HAVE to act like a mature adult---although I'm not! Thirdly, that person is probably emotional at that point. Just like how I had been when I was younger.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and apparently a lot of the younger generations are very negative these days---just like how I was back then (not as bad as them at least--but bad enough) So, I decided to kick my bad habit bit by bit. If I'm pissed, won't show it that much. If people are influencing me to get angry, ask them to stop or just shut up. Try to stay positive---no matter how negative and hopeless the situation is. At the very least, I would feel good about it one way or another--Insyaallah.

A quick rant

One thing I learned lately is to not give my pity that much to anybody. If you're really that tough, live up to your words, go all out, you know enough the world hates us, prove them wrong by going all out in what you do. Don't just talk. Do it!

I don't care if people call me cold. In due time you'll see what I mean. You'll be thanking me for it later. That's how I roll.

Complaints yang tidak serupa bikin.

Don't bother complaining about stuff to me if you don't intend to follow it. And when I remind you of your own words, don't get pissed. I take every words seriously.